Not A Snark

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====== Druses Claudius Avitus ======

The campaign starts as a legion of Rome cross the channel
to conquer Briton, and the command of Julius Caeser.
Unfortunately, there's a storm, and a few ships get a bit
lost, and end up in Ireland.


My character is a Roman Tribune, Druses Claudius Avitus,
a young nineteen year old who thinks he knows everything,
because he's read about it in books.

Thanks to Adam Crossingham (aka Phil the Greek) the
spelling is now somewhat better than it was (though any
mistakes are still my own fault). He's also complained
that these writings are biased, but all such attacks on
the accuracy of this document are blatantly untrue. As an
honest Senator of Rome, Druses would never lie just to
serve his own best interest.

====== The Chronicles ======


===== Dramatis Personae =====


**Druses Claudius Avitus**, a Roman Tribune
and Senator.


**Philip**, a Greek Trader who was originally
sent along on the invasion of Briton to act as a
guide.


**Patronius Arbiter**, a pompous Roman senator.


**Cervius**, a Roman Centurion, close to
retirement.


**Dabulos**, a Numidian warrior, and now a Roman
citizen.



Plus many others of lesser importance.



===== The Isle of the Blessed =====



We struggle ashore on the south coast of Ireland
(though our trusty Greek guide, Phil (the one with
the young slave boy), assures as we're actually
somewhere in Cornwall. We get caught up in a cattle
raid, and manage to help the right side, befriending
a tribe of Irish Celts, who tell us that we're in the
Isle of the Blessed. Druses discovers the unusual
freedom of women in the land, when he's invited to
spend the night with the chieftains wife.



===== Betrayed =====



Seeking a way to Briton (or even Gaul), we head
north, and camp with some friends of the southern
lot. Invited on a hunting trip, a small group of us
(read: the PCs) go off and leave the remnants of the
legion behind. We get lost, and meet up with Scuffa,
a Druidess, dwelling at a school for warriors. We
survive by pretending to be traders. Returning to the
legion, we find our legion massacred by blue cloaked
warriors, and the Legion's Eagle stolen.



===== Druids Are Sometimes Nice =====



Scuffa explains that the attackers were warriors of
Mebh, the Queen of Connaght, who isn't liked
hereabout. The Eagle was probably taken to her fort.
She suggests a plan involving Samhain and ridiculous
heroics. Stupidly, we agree, and head northwards once
more (killing a witch and her evil offspring on the
way, possibly meeting a god - though I'm not too sure
about that bit).



Eventually we find a small temple of Connaght men,
raid it by pretending to be the walking dead (it is
Samhain after all), and Druses meets the daughter of
Mebh. Apparently this spear Druses picked up in the
temples treasure room is the ceremonial spear used to
kill the current Queen, and can only be wielded by
the future king of the future queen, who is crowned
after the current one is slain. A deal is struck,
where I will get to kill Mebh, instate her daughter
as Queen, and get the Eagle back. Oh joy.



===== To Be A King =====



We get to Mebh's, bluff our way inside the fort, and
then Druses (hoping for a quick stab in the back),
ends up having to challenge Mebh to a fair dual. He
strikes her down with a single blow from the spear,
and instates the new Queen, and wins back the Eagle.
Learning of the custom of ploughing kings into fields
when the Queen tires of him, Druses and friends bid a
hasty goodbye and gets passage home.



We return home from the Isle of the Blessed, and
Druses' family promptly marry him off to a beautiful
young woman named Terenita, with the general idea of
getting as good a match as possible while Druses is
still famous.



===== Syria =====



Julia, wife of Pompey has just died, and there is
much sadness in Rome. Somewhat overshadowing this as
far as the Senate is concerned, is the fact that news
has just arrived from Syria that the Governor there,
Marcus Licinius Crassus, has just gone missing,
together with the entire Syrian Roman army. Druses
and friends are sent to escort the Flaman (a Priest
of Mars) Lucius Caponius who is being sent to
investigate.



Setting sail to Antioch (with plenty of
dancing/pleasure slaves, courtesy of Phil), we find
that Crassus had marched into Parthia, and hasn't
been heard from since, and the Armenians have
deserted the Roman armies. While the Flaman goes to
Armenia to talk things over there, our Senator raises
the militia, and Druses and Phil heard to the
Parthian border to see what can be found of the army.



We find Gaius Cassius Longinious, a Praetor, and only
surviving leader of the Roman army. He'd gathered
together ten thousand of the survivors and
successfully marched them back into Syria safely.
Forty thousand Roman soldiers are dead or captured,
Crassus had made some big tactical blunders, and lost
his army, plus quite a large portion of the Syrian
treasury. The last thing we have heard is that a
civil war is brewing in Jerusalem.



===== The Sunny Sands of Egypt =====



With both Syria and Egypt breaking out in war, we
receive orders to go to the latter nation on a 'fact
finding' mission. It's much like home, with more
factions you can count on a legions fingers, and all
out for each other's blood. Cleopatra and Ptomely
rule jointly, though it seems Cleopatra has far more
desire to really rule than her brother does, and
hence is gaining the most enemies, especially amongst
the eunuchs.



Our initial meeting with their Divine Majesties is
uneventful, though later we get word that Cleopatra
wishes to meet us privately. Things go well, and both
Patronius and I receive, er, small tokens of her
gratitude. Not quite sure how we're going to ship
everything back to Rome, but I'm sure we'll find a
way.



In order to help Cleopatra, we travel with three
regiments of Roman trained egyptian troops to put
down a Jewish rebellion. There is a great battle, in
which we are victorious.



Return to Rome in time for my wife to give birth to
two healthy boys, though unfortunately she dies in
child birth. I don't waste too much time in marrying
again though, this time to Cornelia Matella, a cousin
of Pompey's wife. She's a beautiful young woman, and
not as fragile as Terentia.



===== Until Death Do Us Part =====



Ever the political campaigner Patronius throws the
mother of all parties, inviting senators of all
factions in order to persuade them of the benefits of
supporting Caesar. Whether anyone remembered anything
the following morning is uncertain - I know I
definitely didn't.



I woke to discover that I was back home, and my
Senatorial ring was missing. Before I could even get
over my hangover, an emergency meeting is summoned in
the Senate, which I have to attend. Apparently it
would seem that someone has raped a Vestal Virgin.
Not a particularly sensible thing to do, since such
tends to upset the gods. Whoever it was, was foolish
enough to leave behind a Senatorial ring. Oops.



Before they begin the "find out who's missing a ring"
trick, I try to have a quiet word with one of my new
relatives - a particularly influential senator. The
shock of finding out that it's probably my ring
causes him to faint. My attempts to nick his ring are
foiled (though not noticed), so I confront Cato with
the truth.



He accepts that it's probably not me, but insists I
find out who it was, and where my ring is. Enlisting
the aid of my trusty colleagues, we try to find out
who brought me home, and via where. Things are
progressing slowly when Phil, Cervus and Dabulos
decide I'm safer out of the way, and club me into
insensitivity. It wouldn't have been too bad if anyone
had bothered to tell Dabulos about the sleeping draught
Phil had bought to keep me under. Two days of being
clubbed whenever I awoke is not an experience I wish
to repeat.



By the time I recover, it seems they've uncovered a
plot by my wife who's trying to have an adulterous
affair with another, and faked my death (by angry mob).
She had his wife murdered, and framed me so she could
try to marry him. So much for family loyalty.



We set her up, and confront her with what we know.
She's somewhat shocked by my reappearance, and admits
framing me to us and Cato. Not able to trust her
anymore, and in no good mood thanks to Dabulos, I
divorce her with extreme prejudice. To show no hard
feelings to her family, I allow them to have both her
body and head back.



===== Socks for Caesar =====



It would seem that I am useful to some people,
especially those who want some links to more neutral
camps in the Senate. Cato has persuaded me to take
his daughter - Catonia - in marriage. Another woman
in my life is something I could do without at the
moment.



In other news, the senate has installed Pompey as
sole Consul in Rome. This is not good news, and is
sure to lead to trouble.



It seems that I've been expected to host some
Egyptians who have been sent by Cleopatra to Rome.
As is traditional, we have a party, which is gate
crashed by Calpurnia, wife of Caesar. She wishes
me to take a letter and some socks to her husband,
who is somewhere in southern Gaul.



We head north by boat, and thankfully we allow the
Egyptians to accompany us since Thothhotet is a
sorcerer, and saves us from being swamped in a
storm. Stopping in northern Italy, we rescue some
damsels from rape and murder (well, at least murder)
by some of Pompey's legionnaires. The young girls
are daughters of Catalina, and have been adopted
by Caesar, so we take them with us to find him.



Eventually we find Caesar marching south to Rome,
and deliver the message (and socks) as requested.



We return to Rome without incident, except for the
news of the death of Pompey in Alexandria and Cato
somewhere in the Ionian sea. My new found wife, so
recently acquired, kills herself in grief at her
fathers death.



===== Prophets of Amon =====



It would seem that one (very rich) supporter of
Caesar, a Marcus Apulius Celer, is being held in
Thebes by the prophets of Amon for apparently
breaking some minor religious taboos.



Caesar asks us to free him, or at least ensure that
he re-writes his will to include Caesar in it. We
make contact with a lady who offers to help us, in
return for some of our aid. Apparently there are
some sacred tombs the occupants of which require
moving. She's not too bothered about their
possessions though, so rather unsurprisingly, the
dead have somewhat more space in their new home.



We break Marcus from the prison he is held in, and
leave for Rome.



===== The Ides of February =====



Julius Caesar is brutally murdered by Brutus and
various other traitors. Patronius and myself help
try to unite the senators of Rome against the
murderers, with some success. One, Gaius Patronius
Cervidius pledges his support as long as I find a
suitable husband for his daughter Cervidia. He
didn't necessarily have me in mind, but he is a
powerful family, and I've decided that he could
be a useful ally.



My first meeting with Cervidia does not go well,
but love, or the lack, should never get in the
way of a good marriage.



It has been a bad few days in Rome, with accusations
and fear running somewhat higher than normal. I return
home to find a lady waiting for me - not my soon wife
to be as I had expected, but the wife of that traitor
Brutus - Portia. It would seem that she trusts me not
to be too stupid - though given my record with women
of my household previously, I would be a strange
person to turn to. Her house has oh so unfortunately
been burnt down, and she and her son require a place
to stay. Sheltering her would be dangerous, but
keeping her close is one way to keep an eye on her.
And she is family, after all.



Instructing my servants to keep a very close watch
on her doings, and an especially close watch on any
meetings she my hold with others, I allow her sanctuary
at least for a time. She promises also to provide me
with information from her own contacts while she stays
here - something which could be useful, especially if
I can find out who those contacts are.



By morning the following day Patronius has turned up
with Cervius and Dabulos in tow. It would seem that
Rome in her infinite wisdom wishes to bargain with
Parthia for the ten thousand legionnaires that are
still held by the Eastern Empire since the debacle
in Syria eight years ago. Her wisdom would seem to
be completely unbounded considering she has invited
an ambassador from that Kingdom here, with two
hundred of his honour guard, and is allowing them
into the city itself. The nearest of Rome's own
armed forces is days away at least, and there is
little to stop them from taking, rather than
bargaining, for whatever they want.



Patronius and I it seems have been volunteered to
open negotiations with Parthia, and my villa has
been chosen to house the Ambassador and his men.
Oh joy. Just to make things better, Gaius Cervidius
has decided he wants my marriage to his daughter to
take place in two days time. I make arrangements to
find room for the Ambassador and his people, and
also hire a Parthian speaking translator to listen
in on any conversations the Parthians may have
while resident with me.



Patronius and Phil organise a large party to entertain
the Ambassador that night, thankfully not holding it
at my villa, but at the house of Marcus Antonius. I'm
pretty sure that they're up to other things as well,
but to what, I have no idea. The rest of the day is
a nightmare, the only joy being watching Phil and
Patronius trying to find a Parthian translator
within Rome. It seems there was only one.



Thankfully I abstain from any heavy drinking or
feasting that night, for shortly into the entertainment,
word reaches me (via the Parthians!) that someone has
tried to burn my house down. The Ambassador so kindly
informs me that my household is being 'protected' by
his men. I hurry back to my villa to find it not too
badly damaged - it seems some arsonists tried to burn
down the kitchens, though no-one is hurt. Moving my
household back inside, the Ambassador is offered
quarters in Marcus's residence while mine are cleaned,
and all but a handful leave. He says his men know who
was responsible, but refuses to divulge whom except to
say that it was one of my 'colleagues'. Later, my own
spy at the party returns to say that the Parthians
were talking about it being Cervius.



I stay the rest of the night at home, and have word
sent to Gaius Cervidius that given certain comments
made by the Ambassador, and his attitude, it might
be wise to organise some way of defending against
him should he turn nasty. My mistake.



Morning, and an emergency meeting is summoned at the
senate, where Horatious gives an oh so wonderful
speech about how the Parthians should be forced out
of Rome and moved to a country estate. That's not
what I quite had in mind. Patronius convinces me
to try and talk the senate into changing their mind,
but the cowards refuse to think about mobilising
anyone, and decide to go ahead with possibly
insulting the Ambassador. None of this was quite
what I had in mind when I warned Cervidius.



I'm only just beginning to realise what sort of state
Rome has got herself into. The only legions we have
are fighting each other in a hopeless civil war that
can only damage Rome further, and the plottings and
schemings are too dangerous a luxury to afford at the
moment. The death of Caesar has made me think about
just where my loyalties now lie. None of the others
are willing to put their own petty differences aside
in favour of Rome, and as such are inviting invasion
by foreign powers. Maybe that's what we need. An
invasion, or at least the rumour or signs of
invasion, might be the only thing to unite Rome
against her real enemies. And by then, it could
be too late.



I have organised a force of five hundred men -
officially bodyguards - to defend my household,
and if necessary Rome. The Parthians are still
within Rome - I'm not even going to attempt to
guess at the dealings Patronius and Cervius got
involved in. Patronius at least has managed to
come to an agreement with the Ambassador - Judea
and Tel Aviv for any of the legionnaires who wish
to return home. The immediate threat is possibly
over, but there are still two hundred elite
Parthian heavy cavalry within the city.



On a final note, I married Cervidia last night. I'm
not sure of where her loyalties lay, but her family
could be a useful ally. No longer will I pledge
myself to any one of the warring factions in Rome,
but to Rome herself, and I'll see what I can do to
remove those who threaten her safety, and that of
my household.



===== Those Bloody Germans =====



Be careful what you wish for. Something in the order
of a million germans have come south looking for
lands to settle in, in particular Macedonia. The
Senate calls on the priests to divine the future,
but in the temple of Jupiter the great statue to
him breaks in two, burning in the braziers it falls
among. It would seem that the gods are not happy.



This is at last enough to spur the senate into raising
a new legion to protect Rome, under the control of
Gaius Cassius Longinious, Patronius Arbiter and myself.
Both Arbiter and myself agree to let Longinious run the
show - a single voice is so much more effective at
running an army, especially when it has more experience
than both of us put together.



Several senators also call for the return of Rome to
being a republic. Others of course wish to side with
Marcus or Octavian. With help from the Egyptian
ambassador, I obtain a list of those senators hording
grain ready for the coming crisis. By an amazing
coincidence, the 140 odd senators so accused are all
ones most likely to cause trouble.



The military plan is to send for the legions in Gaul
to bring them back to defend Rome. Longinious' legion
is to travel to Albania where Brutus is massing his
legions for his own personal gain. We'll join up with
them, and march to defend Roman lands from the German
hordes. Of course, such requires persuading Brutus,
or at least his legions, to side with us for the
common good. Enter cunning plan number one.



I travel to Greece with Phil and Dabulos to arrange
for the death of Brutus, by barbarian raiders. This
way we can incite his legions to avenge his death
and join with our legions. In the end, I meet with
Brutus before hand, to try and persuade him to join
anyway. Apparently he hadn't heard about the Germans,
and is more than willing to make me his second in
command to help him with the deployment of his army.
After making sure that his men know that Brutus
trusts me, and that they are under my command, he
has his little accident, and his legions fall under
my control.



Greece offers to raise five legions of its own to
help defend its lands, in return for which it asks
to be allowed five senators of its own. I agree to
this, though will have to clear it with the full
senate later.



There is much fighting against the barbarians, as
well as friction on the border between Rome and
Parthia, with both sides deflecting the invaders
onto the other. Phil becomes a Greek hero at one
stage, holding off two hundred thousand Germans
with a single Greek legion. Meanwhile, Patronius,
Cervius and I conquer more land for Rome, while
holding off the rest of the German hordes.



After many weeks of warfare, I receive a message
from the senate. It would appear the omens are not
good, and the gods are refusing to talk to the
priests of the civilised lands. We are requested
to seek the reason for the gods displeasure from
the prophet at Sewa, in the Egyptian deserts.



After a hard desert journey, and some strange sights,
we reach the place, and find a blind man who speaks
for the gods. All of us have been summoned there -
Darius the Parthian ambassador, Dabulos, Cervius,
Phil, the Egyptian Ambassador, Patronius and myself.
The gods, we hear, are displeased with the way the
priests have been behaving towards them, and unless
we make ammends they will leave us forever. They
propose a quest, to find three mystical items and
to bring them back here for the gods (a cauldron,
a bow and a staff). It is a quest which must be
performed by all of us, working together. Phil
though has other ideas, and strongly objects to
being the gods playthings. In a fit of disobedience,
he stabs Darius, breaking the taboo against blood
shed in this place. The gods are greatly displeased
by this, and the Siwa is consumed by the desert,
as the gods turn away from Mankind.



Oops.



===== Too many wives and not enough spears =====



I return to Rome with news of what has happened,
and quickly make haste back to the legions where
things I have a hope of understanding are going
on. Things are going fine until Julius Caesar
turns up in Rome again and starts taking charge.
Julius Caesar. The same Julius Caesar who was
stabbed to death some time ago. The one we
cremated. The one who is supposed to be very very
dead. He's turned up with some celtic barbarian
Queen from the north, who apparently has some
cauldron with her. Oh bugger. Why do I get the
feeling that I know this woman? In a sort of
having married her sort of way?



The next news to come from Rome is that both
Patronius and myself have been removed from the
Senate, and that the legions we've raised have
been disbanded. It's then that Cervidia turns up
with news that some really strange things are
happening in Rome. Various Senators are being
invited to see Caesar, and coming out... changed.
She had an invitation to go seem him, so decided
to leave and come and find me. As wives go, she's
actually quite sensible. Whether that's a good
thing or not is another matter entirely.



Anyway, apparently the barbarian Queen has taken
up residence in our house, with a whole load of
her warriors. Possibly stupidly, but it's safer
than her finding out from someone else, I tell
Cervidia who I think the Queen is, and how I met
her... Amazingly she doesn't try to kill me.



There are rumours of a force moving through
Parthia towards the west, possibly coming from
India. I take a small group into Parthia to try
and make contact with the group, hoping that some
agreement can be reached between them and Rome.
The force turns out to be an army of about thirty
thousand, including elephants, led by warriors in
decorated in black feathers. As it happens both
Darius - the Parthian ambassador - and Thothhotep
have had the same idea of meeting with this army,
and we arrive at roughly the same time. The leader
of the army carries a bow - the one spoken of by
the gods - and intrusts it to me. Darius already
has the staff, and the three of us agree that peace
would be best until the issue with the gods is
sorted out.



I return to the legions and we stop our
harassment of the Parthian borders, and instead
march on Rome, to deal with this apparent Caesar.



Rome is shrouded in some very unnatural fog by the
time we reach her. The legions march on the city,
and are met by plenty of barbarians who now seem
to control the forum. Both Caesar and my, er,
other wife are there. In the grand melee which
ensues, Patronius is slain, but so is the Queen,
once again by my hand. The senators (including
Caesar) who had been put under the Queen's spell
(to be precise, slain, then resurrected in the
cauldron) become mindless zombies. Rome is once
again returned to the rule of the Romans.



The cauldron, staff and bow are taken to the
Isle of the Mighty, to a great stone circle
known as Stonehenge, where the gods claim them.
I have a feeling that the relationship between
men and the gods might not be quite the same as
it was though.



Rome once again becomes a Republic, with the
client states of the Empire getting Senatorial
representation, and only those old Senators who
can be trusted with power retaining their position.